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Asking me what I would like for dinner should not induce a panic attack.

Lady had something like SAD. A seasonal affective disorder and we live in upstate NY- not exactly known for sunny skies.

Between that, moving across state, and then into our own apartment, this past winter has been…hard. Not monetarily, although that hasn’t helped, but emotionally. Crying at things I cannot know about, me triggering her with something as mundane as not making a decision, anger, upset, crying. I do my best to comfort, to calm down, to appease her. But she has gone through sooo much abuse in her life that it’s a constant haunting. Most of our conversations end with her stressing how emotional damaging her past relationships have been, even when we started with something completely different. I loved her so much that upsetting her is crushing to me and that seems to be all I’ve done this past winter. 

So when I have a panic attack from a simple question, I feel like shit. Because I know she doesn’t mean it. And then I feel like more shit since I’m freaking out at something so stupid, and she has come out of such horrendous situations that I feel I have no right to be upset at all, ever.

I’m trained to be wary and scared, these past months. But with the summer’s arrival, she’s more the girl I fell in love with in college- fun, excited, happy. But I’m still reacting like she’s depressed. Like she’s going to beak down at anytime for anything. Which she still might, but not as often.

The worst thing is, she knows. We’ve talked about our feelings and reactions and promise to try and stop next time. And I hate this. Because I’m hurting her and she doesn’t deserve it. But I don’t deserve this either. I’m so sick of feeling as if she’s a volcano, lying in wait, or that emotional abuse is still abuse, but I cannot articulate that to her since she’s gone thoughso much worse. And she knows. She tells me that it still matters, but our measurements for such are on such different scales, I feel insignificant.

Not making a decision should not send me into a panic attack, but at least this time I understand where it’s coming from. Lady and Lord, allow me to find my way through this.

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